All things considered...

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up in a couple weeks. I'm feeling a little anxious about it, in a purely superficial way. I have become sort of obsessed with making sure I look good that night. Not "good for having just had a baby." Just good, period. (UGH, pet peeve. I HATEHATEHATE it when people tell me I look good considering I just had a baby. That's like telling me I don't look quite as good as I used to, but hey, "A" for effort!!) I know it shouldn't matter that much. And to stress over it? It's illogical, really. But there it is.

I'm generally a fairly confident person, but there is something about socializing with a bunch of people I went to high school with that brings out all the old insecurities. It makes me nervous just thinking about it, and when I get nervous, I say stupid things and my face gets all red. Then I start sweating and end up with gross rings under my armpits. And that makes me self-conscious and sweat even more. It's a vicious cycle, really. And I am no doubt embarrassing myself further by writing about it. Several people I went to high school with read this—and who knows how many might read it on facebook? (Perhaps writing about it will make it go away? Like carrying an umbrella so it won't rain.)

I went to the mall this afternoon to buy something that would make me look hot. It was a complete failure. Nothing fit. Loose, flowy tops clung to my round, post-Milo belly. Fitted tops didn't look good with my breastfeeding giganto boobs. And forget jeans. Maybe my expectations were too high. I wanted to find something that would make my body look like it did when I was 18—and that is completely unrealistic. I have been losing weight—only 13 pounds to go to reach my pre-pregnancy weight—but seeing myself in those unforgiving dressing-room mirrors today made me feel huge and gross. It's funny, too, because I've been working out a lot and actually think I'm getting to be in the best shape of my life—just with a few extra pounds hanging on.

I need to snap out of it. Surely I won't be the only one at the reunion who looks different than she did at graduation. And surely I won't be the only one trying to look fantastic. I'll find something fab to wear, and I'll look good in it. Especially considering I DID just have a baby....

What have I done?

I am not pregnant anymore, yet somehow the vast majority of my pregnancy weight gain has not yet gone away. Thanks for nothing, breastfeeding! What, like it is supposed to take TIME for the weight to come off? Pfffffttt! I want those 40 remaining pounds gone ASAP. Yes, 40. A good twenty of those came from all those baby-needs-ice-cream-okay-technically-frozen-custard trips to Sheridan's. The other half slowly crept on over the six months prior to conceiving because of all those I'm-sad-I'm-not-pregnant-yet trips to Sheridan's.

Mmmm, I like frozen custard...

But that is not the point.

The point is, I have a lot of weight to lose, and frozen custard isn't helping the situation. Drastic action is needed, and I may have just done something crazy. On impulse, a complete whim (which I thought about for three or four days before reaching any conclusions), I decided to resume personal training. Unlike before, however, when I just saw my trainer once every six weeks and the rest was up to me, I shall now be seeing my trainer twice a week. And did I mention that I will also be taking a yoga class once a week? I know! I think it's crazy, too! But I have Milo now, and he makes it hard to find time to really exercise and easy to make excuses. I needed to schedule my workouts to make them happen. Now I've got three of them on the calendar each week.

And that terrifies me. I haven't worked out in several months. Oh, sure, I had every intention of working out throughout the entire pregnancy. But then morning sickness happened. Then being hugely uncomfortable happened. Somehow exercising just didn't happen. In some ways I'm SO ready for this, but in other ways, I'd like to please continue to sit on the couch. Failing is my biggest fear, and I avoid it by not trying. My first instinct is to not really try to lose the weight, because then I can't fail at it. But my desire to wear my prepregnancy clothes and fit into a single-digit pants size motivate me.

It's not going to be easy. But I desperately want to feel good about my body and that means dropping those 40 pounds. Now, would someone please remind me of that tomorrow when every muscle in my body hurts? My first training session is in just a few hours...

Wish me luck!