Oh, Deer

Dear Bambi,

Please quit eating my tulips. I spent way too much time in the hot sun last fall digging through the hard-as-a-rock dirt to plant those lovelies, and before they even bloomed, you decided they might make a tasty snack. Well, I’ve had it. Those stems look pretty lame without the petals.

You used to charm me when I saw you eating from the neighbor’s birdfeeder. I watched, awestruck, as you bounded gracefully through the neighborhood. But now? Now you are more annoying than the magazine-selling guys who show up at our doorstep every few months. In fact, you are worse than this guy.

You’ve left me no other option. I’m forced to make idle threats that I will never carry out. Let this be a warning: You eat one more tulip, and . . . *slides hand across neck in slicing motion* Let’s just say it won’t be pretty.

Love,
Megan