Ten months? But that is only two months away from ONE YEAR.

Olive is 20ish, maybe 21ish pounds. She's taller than a month ago. No official stats from the doctor, but I can tell this girl is growing.

She is not yet walking, but at this point I think she's just teasing us. Or she's lazy. So, so close to walking. She even has started to try to stand up on her own without pulling up on something. Just in the middle of the floor, hands on the ground, she gets up on her feet. Can't make her way to standing yet, but it won't be long. She can also stand unassisted no problem. Exceptional balance (for a ten-month-old).

Her hair is coming in thicker, and it still stands up all over her head. I think it's amazing and the cutest baby hair I've ever seen. Some people look at it and say things like, "Whoa, look at that hair!" Then they pause, and go on to say, "It's okay, though, it doesn't look bad." And I'm like, I know. It looks awesome.

Olive is starting to say real words. She can say Mama, Dada, kitty, yum-yum, and maaayyyybe Milo. Oh, and she can clap her hands and say yay. She can blow kisses, wave, and give high fives. When Andrew kisses me goodbye in the morning, then kisses her goodbye, she then turns to me and opens her mouth, expectantly waiting for a kiss. I oblige. Sometimes she slips me the tongue. Hilarious and sloppy, all at once.

One of her favorite games is putting things into other things. She picks up toys and slams them into the nearest receptacle. Helpful at clean-up time.

When she's done with her meal, she starts dropping her food onto the floor. Thanks, kid.

She is finally getting good at holding her own bottles and actually tipping them back so she can drink the whole thing. Sippy cups too. I'm telling you, don't discount laziness yet.

Naps and her morning wake-up time are irregular. She's an early, early riser. Andrew and I are definitely not getting enough sleep.

Olive currently is fighting off her first ear infection. The poor thing was miserable the entire weekend, clearly in pain. Feverish, cranky, restless but exhausted. Got her to the doctor this morning, and she's on her first round of antibiotics ever. And so it begins. (I am somewhat comforted thinking about how when Milo was ten months old, he already had gotten tubes, so Olive's not doing too bad all things considered.)

Olive has two teeth, the bottom middle ones. Where are those top teeth? Why is she drooling so much, but dragging on the teething process?

She and Milo are starting to play nicely together. It's stinking cute, I tell you. This must be the reason people have more than one kid, because take it from me, it is not for all the hours of rest and relaxation that come with the territory.

Olive likes playing with cars and trains. Because that is the only kind of toy we have. Good thing Santa is coming soon so I can properly stereotypically genderize my baby girl.

Sometimes when I am holding Olive, she reaches up and strokes my hair. Guess who also does this? Milo. And it's perhaps my favorite thing he does when he's feeling cuddly, so to have both my children do this? Heaven.

Along those same lines, Olive is getting more cuddly. She often rests her head on my shoulder, and she nearly always wants to be held.

She's beautiful, funny, smart, smiley, ticklish, and amazing. And about a thousand other positive adjectives. I love her so much, truly.

Loves to dance. 

Loves her brother.

Really loves her brother.

Even when his feet are in her face, she loves her brother.

I am too sleepy to write a coherent entry.

• Milo is up to eight teeth, I think. His sixth came in maybe two weeks ago, on the bottom left. Then out of nowhere we saw that he has two molars on the top! No clue when those showed up, but we noticed them last Friday. Before long he'll be a chewing maniac.
• I MIGHT be feeling the baby moving. Possibly. Sometimes there's sort of a pushing feeling, like some very tiny thing is shoving to get out of my body. Honestly, I barely remember what those early movements felt like with Milo. So I could very definitely be making this up. I ought to just enjoy not being kicked and punched, because I do remember what those later movements felt like, and once the novelty wore off, it was not so fun.
• Every time I'm convinced that the "morning" sickness is truly over, this dumb baby goes and reminds me that no. It is not. Last night was particularly rough because I actually had to get out of bed in the middle of the night in order to go throw up. And then I threw up again this morning. But I am still thankful that the sickness is not quite as persistently often as it was with Milo. So at least there's that.
• We have officially pulled Milo out of daycare. This week he's with grandmas, and next week he'll start at an in-home daycare that's just down the street from us. There are many reasons we made this decision:more convenient, way less expensive, nice and neighborly, healthier food, fewer kids to be spreading illnesses. Andrew and I are pretty excited for this new development and hope that Milo has an easy transition.
• Seems like I am especially bad at Getting Things Done these days. My new glasses have been ready to be picked up for a week. My car is beyond ready for an oil change. Laundry doesn't get done until I am out of shirts that fit over my belly. I have, however, begun to remove the ugly wallpaper border that is currently hanging in the future nursery.
• I am getting antsy to find out the sex of this baby. I go to the doc tomorrow and will then schedule my sonogram—should be about four weeks from now. We're going to have another gender reveal party like we had with Milo (that I basically took zero photos of). I'm more excited to find out and for the party this time because I don't have a preference. And I know that whether it's a boy or a girl, he/she will be amazing. That said, every time I think about life with future baby, it's a girl. I think this is just because Andrew has been exclusively referring to the baby as a girl. You'll have to ask him why he does that.
• I need a nap. Badly.

Guess what?

Remember how Milo had The Diaper Rash That Would Not Go Away? Well! Turns out he had (has?) an MRSA infection!

That's terrible!

Yes. Well. I suppose I feel like somewhat better of a parent for not being able to fix it. I felt such guilt over The Rash, like maybe we just need to switch soaps or lotions AGAIN or try a new detergent AGAIN or give him more probiotics or try yet another rash cream or ointment or put him on another antibiotic for a yeast infection he didn't have (WHICH IS THE EXACT SORT OF BEHAVIOR THAT LEADS TO MRSA IN THE FIRST PLACE).

But still. How many months did he have this infection without it ever being discovered? My guess is close to six. How much damage could it have done in that time? Plenty. How many other kids at the daycare have it (because yes, I am 99.9 percent certain that he contracted it at daycare)? Who knows?

There's really no telling if Milo still has it. His diaper rash is sometimes better, sometimes worse. But since we haven't done anything to treat MRSA, I'd guess it's still present. Poor kid.

A few thoughts

• Milo’s birthday party is on Sunday, and I still have SO MUCH to do to get ready. Crossing my fingers that it will all come together in the end…
• I’m down another few pounds (!!!) and it seems my weight-loss plateau has finally come to an end. I’m now twelve pounds below my starting pregnancy weight and only five pounds from my goal.
• Milo has been sick again, and we’re all dragging in the Langford household. For whatever reason (teething, difficulty breathing, generally not-feeling-well), Milo has been waking up every day for the last week or so at 5am. Or earlier, if we’re lucky. And I am TIRED.
• I am no longer pumping at work. So nice not to be doing that anymore. And Milo is doing just fine (other than the aforementioned issues, that is).
• This morning Milo was in the bathroom with me while I, um, used the facilities. He opened the cabinet, pulled out a large box of pantyliners, and grabbed them by the fistful, surrounding himself with little piles of feminine hygiene items. Time for more babyproofing!
  
• As you know, today is St. Patrick’s Day and I would like a shamrock shake. Can someone please make that happen for me?

But he has tubes!

Milo has ANOTHER ear infection. I noticed last week that there was goop coming out of his ear, and I wondered if that was just what happened when a baby has tubes, or if it was something to be concerned about. And after a call to the doc and several days of goop, we decided it was something to be concerned about. And sure enough, infection.

I thought the tubes would prevent this sort of thing. But I guess they're not magic tubes. If I'd known Milo would still get ear infections and be on antibiotics just two months after getting the tubes, would we have still chosen to go ahead with the surgery? Probably? But I wonder, was it worth the risk?

And, speaking of antibiotics, get this. The day Milo took his first dose of his ten-day course of meds, the pharmacy called me around 10:00pm and left a message, which I did not see until 10:30. They thought there has been a problem with the water dispenser, and Milo's medicine might not have enough water mixed in. Meaning, he might be getting extra strong stuff. Also, we might run out early. They wanted us to bring in the bottle so they could check it and replace it with a definitely-mixed right bottle.

So at 10:45, long after I wished I had been in bed, I set out for the pharmacy. And they had indeed messed up the water mix. Sigh. I'm glad they called; I wouldn't want Milo to have gotten extra-strength amoxicillin for a week or more. But I would have been more glad if it hadn't gotten messed up in the first place.

(He's feeling much better now. Aside from the teething, anyway. He's still Mr. Crankybutt, but I like him anyway.)

Ahh, Motherhood

Today I changed two poopy diapers, one of which involved a new outfit and the need to wipe poop off Milo's back and shoulder. Today I was peed on. Today I rinsed vomit out of my hair. Today I changed my shirt because there was medicine on it--medicine that had been in Milo's tummy just moments before.

But today I snuggled my exhausted baby. And today my baby laughed and laughed--at nothing, like when the pen dropped from Daddy's hand--even though I know he wasn't feeling well. And even with all those fluids, it was a lovely, lovely day.

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More About the Tubes

Last Thursday we sought a second opinion on Milo's ear infection situation and went to an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat doctor). The doctor checked Milo's ears and told us that he has what they (affectionately, I'm sure) call "glue ear." It means that the fluid has been unable to drain in his ears and has accumulated for so long that it has become thick and gluey. This kind of mucousy fluid is unlikely to drain and will probably continue to become infected.

We also learned that Milo's hearing is being affected by all this fluid, and that he probably has about a 40 percent reduction in his hearing. So that sucks, and may explain why he no longer seems to know his name. I hate that Milo can't hear. How can a little guy learn to speak or begin to understand what we're talking about if he can't hear properly?

Combine the hearing loss with the "unlikely to drain" comment with the fact that I don't want Milo on antibiotics for the next four months, and we had our answer. Milo was going to get tubes. The doctor went over everything with us, explaining the procedure, the recovery, and what having tubes would mean for future care. It was all pretty straightforward. In spite of his pediatrician's hesitation, we were ready to move forward.

Of course, we saw the pediatrician the next day and after discussing the fluid in his ears, Milo's sleeping and eating habits, and the fact that Milo is on the low-end of the growth charts, the pediatrician actually said that getting tubes was probably a good thing for Milo, especially considering that it is still so early in the winter cold/flu season.

This made us feel much better about getting the surgery. We are hoping that we come home with a new and improved baby. (Okay, not a new baby, just an improved one.) I think Milo may start sleeping better. He might have an improved appetite (important for gaining weight). I think he will quit getting ear infections. And I know he'll be able to hear us.

I'm still nervous about taking my baby in for surgery, but I'm confident that we're doing the best thing for him. Surgery is tomorrow morning at 7:30am. Wish us well!

Would you like to hear more about my baby's health?

On Saturday Milo began pulling at his ears. He also had a raspy cough. I thought, if he’s still tugging at his ears tomorrow, I’ll take him to the doctor Monday morning.

On Sunday, he still pulled at his ears. He was even so intent on his ears that he was distracted from nursing—very unusual. I decided that yes, I would take him to his pediatrician’s walk-in hours Monday morning. Better to get it checked out than wonder if I was missing another ear infection.

But then I sort of talked myself out of it. After all, he was in a great mood, and he didn’t have a fever or anything. Plus, I had my PT appointment Monday morning and couldn’t get him to walk-in hours anyway. So I made a deal with myself. If he slept super poorly Sunday night, I’d call the doc in the morning and get him in sometime Monday. If he slept well, I wouldn’t take him to the doctor.

And guess what? He slept through the night for the first time in months. He slept solidly, from 7:20pm to 6:00am.

I went to work, Milo went to daycare, and all was well.

Until 1:00 when I got a call from daycare saying Milo had a fever.

Damn.

A couple hours later we had our diagnosis: another double ear infection. However, since he’s only been off antibiotics for six days, our pediatrician surmised that this was still part of the last round of ear infections, that just never fully cleared up. Sigh.

Milo is now on his third (or second, if you count this as part of the last ear infection) bout of ear infections in two and a half months. He is on his fourth antibiotic. He’s just the saddest little bundle of snot you can imagine.

I did ask about getting tubes, as I hear nothing but good things. But he is still too young for that, and they typically don’t consider tubes until a kid has had four ear infections in a season. And the first six months of daycare are the worst. The doctor said we just have to make it through these six months, and he will probably start to get better. It was reassuring, but still—six months solid of feeling crappy all the time?

I wish I’d trusted my instincts. For the first time, I really felt like something was wrong that needed to get checked out. I just knew he had another ear infection. But I let myself get talked out of taking him to the doctor. Andrew wasn’t convinced Milo was really sick, we both had work, and I wasn’t able to come up with solid evidence that he needed medical attention. It was mostly a feeling. But I was right. And if I’d trusted myself a little more and gotten him to the doctor a little sooner, Milo might never have even gotten the fever.

There’s always next time, right? We’ve still got almost four months to go before we’re out of the ear-infection zone.

Sick? Who, me? I iz all better nao. Lets play.

A Recurring Theme

Last Thursday Andrew got a call from daycare: Milo has a fever, better come pick him up. Andrew took off work, picked up Milo, and tried (unsuccessfully) to reach me for a couple hours. Eventually I got his messages, felt incredibly guilty for not being there for my poor sick baby, and rushed out of the office, just in time to meet them at the doctor's office.

Turns out Milo had another ear infection. Antibiotics were prescribed. Andrew and I sighed at the prospect of forcing unpleasant fluid down our baby's throat for the next ten days. We were also told to expect diarrhea with these antibiotics. So yay...

Over the next couple days, antibiotics were administered. Some went in the mouth, much was spit out. Frustration was felt by all involved parties. And, as expected, diarrhea was dealt with. We bought probiotics and yogurt in an attempt to combat the diarrhea, but Milo was pretty tired of various things being forced upon him and adopted a clamped-shut jaw policy.

Saturday evening, the fever returned with a vengeance. My baby was absolutely burning up. Pitiful. We called the nurses, who said to give him Tylenol and wake him up every four hours or so during the night to check his fever and give him more medicine. If the fever was still high in the morning, call back.

Fever stayed high through the night and the next morning, so we called back. They said that we could probably wait until Monday morning to see the doctor, but if something changed (like he quit eating or fever spiked even higher) we should take him to Children's Mercy urgent care. Or if we just got anxious and wanted him to get treated right away, we could take him in. When Milo threw up and wouldn't nurse, we took him to urgent care.

An hour and a half later, we had our diagnosis: still an ear infection. But hey! It's the other ear now. But shouldn't the antibiotics have been working on both ears? I asked. Maybe he wasn't getting the full dose, said the doctor. Damn, we said. Kid, you've gotta quit spitting that stuff out.

A different antibiotic was prescribed—this one just a once-a-day—but we had to start over with our ten-day course. Supposedly this new medicine tastes better than the other one, according to kids who are old enough to express their opinions. Milo might disagree.

There is nothing worse than shoving medicine down your kid's throat. I feel so entirely helpless, because he hates it and I hate it, but I know I have to do it for his own good. Why hasn't anyone come up with a better way to give babies medicine? I think a patch would be much better. Can someone work on that for me?

When it rains...

Things that have happened in the last two weeks:

• Milo got pinkeye.
• Milo had clogged tear ducts.
• Milo had ear infections in both ears.
• Milo threw up eight times in three hours (two nights before traveling).
• Milo and I flew to Washington, D.C., where Milo burped up his entire meal the first night, leaving me without any pj's and him without a sleep sack for the rest of the trip.
• Milo forgot how to poop, and seriously, four days is just too long to go without pooping.
• Milo spent half the flight back from D.C. crying, making me want to cry as well.
• Still reeling from my maternity leave and lack of a paycheck, we carried a balance on our credit card for the first time and had to get a cash advance from the bank when our checking account went into the negative.
• My car battery died, leaving me desperately calling around, trying to a) get someone to pick up Milo, and b) get someone to take me home.
• I fell further behind on my projects at work due to spending half a day trying to get my car fixed.
• My boobs began holding my milk hostage, refusing to let me pump the amount I know Milo needs.
• I dropped one of the bottles of pumped milk as I was putting it into my cooler bag, and it broke.
• Milo hasn't taken a decent nap in weeks, and is tired and cranky by the time he gets home in the evening, and it makes me so sad to only have fussy time with him each night.

My Poor Baby

Yesterday Milo's eye started to look really red and bloodshot. He also started violently yanking on his ear. This morning I took him to the doctor. The diagnosis? Pinkeye, ear infections in both ears, and two clogged tear ducts.

Until he's been on the antibiotics 24 hours, no daycare for him. He's with Grandma Sarah now, probably playing and having a lovely time. (Considering how lousy he must feel, he was in an awfully good mood this morning.)

It's so sad to see him this way, with his goopy red eye and his dried-snot mustache. And even though he's been sleeping terribly the last couple of nights, I never suspected an ear infection. I must be a bad mother. (I kid, but I do feel sort of guilty for not getting him fixed sooner.)

Send good thoughts his way. Milo's got a long week ahead of him. He'll have all those antibiotics going into his system, and we're flying to D.C. this weekend for my dear friend Molly's wedding. I sure hope he's feeling much better by then. Antibiotics usually work quickly, right?

Not Feeling Well

Stuffy nose. Troublesome cough. General Mr.-Crankypants-ness.

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The Way to Conclusions is Jumping

So . . . About that whole "Vaccines iz making mah baybee sick!" thing.

I MAY have overreacted. A tad. I am sick now, too. And I have not gotten a single vaccine in like, ten years. (Nurses and doctors in the house, should I be getting some boosters or something???) It looks like this was just (as my sister put it) the first of many illnesses we'll share as a family. Did I mention that Andrew wasn't feeling well, either, or did I conveniently forget to mention that in my little rant about the vaccines?

It's really challenging being sick and still having to care for a baby. I'm sure all you parents out there are probably not very sympathetic, as you have likely done this many times. I have been relying quite heavily on my mother-in-law and my mom and sister (who happens to be in town) to help me with Milo while I get some rest. Since we're still not sleeping through the night, I'm finding it really difficult to get enough sleep to be on the mend. Thankfully, Milo seems to be almost all better. He's still quite a bit fussier than usual, but at least we're managing to coax a few smiles out of him now and then.
Milo wasn't so sure about this goat, though. (He took his first trip to Deanna Rose! Was not impressed.)

My Poor Sick Baby

Milo got sick on Tuesday. He's still not 100 percent, but it's clear that he feels much better. But Tuesday was rough. He had a cold, maybe. Something was filling his nose and throat with mucus and making it hard for him to breathe. He kept choking and gagging, coughing, trying to clear it out. But he couldn't. His little eyes would open wide and my heart would stop every time he couldn't catch his breath. He slept most of the day, or would just lay there, his eyes half shut and his mouth hanging open, completely worn out.

I was truly worried about him. For the first time since I became a mom, I felt profoundly responsible for him. Milo needed someone to care for him and try to make him feel better, and that person was me. I was the one making the calls and deciding whether to give him saline drops or if he needed his nose sucked out with that bulb thing. I've sort of felt this before, this surprise that I am the decision maker.

Mommy, does Milo need a hat? Is he warm enough? Do you think he's hot, Mommy? Could he be hungry?

I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine.

At first it was overwhelming, making the decisions, but with every day that goes by, I do get better at guessing what he needs. Sort of. But this sickness thing just about killed me. In some ways, I feel like I caused him to feel that way.

It may have been completely unrelated; it may have been coincidence. But I believe it was not. On Monday, Milo received his first two vaccines. I believe that the vaccines threw his immune system into overdrive, making his tiny little body think it needed to fight off something that wasn't there. Or, the vaccines messed with his immune system, making it easy for any little germ to actually give him symptoms. Or maybe he was literally responding to the vaccines themselves, a type of allergic reaction or something. The doctor's office told me emphatically that Milo's symptoms were in no way related to the vaccines. But I'm not so sure.

So why do I feel responsible? Because I decided which vaccines to give him, and when he should get them. I am the one who has been reading about the vaccinations and making the call on going against the medical grain and putting Milo on an alternate vaccine schedule. And I do believe in vaccines as a general rule, but I hate to see Milo feel so bad. Maybe if he had been a little older before starting the immunizations, or maybe if I had been eating healthier, he would have gotten even more nutrient-rich breastmilk. Maybe I could have prevented this.

On top of that, seeing him get that shot just about broke my heart. His face got all red, and he screamed, loudly, over and over. It couldn't even be described as a cry, it was pure screaming, from pain and shock. I immediately started crying. I picked him up after the shot and held him closer than I ever have, and he just buried his face into my shoulder and continued to scream. He did calm down in about five minutes, but continued to sigh in distress for another twenty. Three days later, I still feel like crying about it.

So all this? This is parenthood, isn't it?

9 weeks down, 31 to go

Another post, this one written on August 19. Spoiler alert: the second anti-nausea pill worked!

Today I am nine weeks and one day pregnant. And being pregnant is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Somewhere between weeks six and seven I started feeling terrible. All the time. Constant nausea, lots of vomiting, extreme fatigue… I got to where I felt like I couldn’t do anything. About five days ago, Andrew’s concern for my well-being (and Cupcake’s, obv) got him to call the doctor and I ended up getting a prescription for an anti-nausea medication. But honestly, I’m not sure it worked that well. But it did make me soooo tired. The first day I had it (Saturday, luckily) I was awake for a total of about seven hours. And I still threw up several times that morning.

So it’s been a rough road. This morning I called the doctor again because I’ve lost about 8-10 pounds in the last three weeks and I wondered if that is a major concern or just a small concern. The nurse said it wasn’t good and that I really needed to focus on my hydration. And then she prescribed another anti-nausea medication. This one might be working a little better, but it’s only day one. Who can tell?

Have you ever felt sick for four straight weeks? Felt like you have the worst hangover, and nothing makes it go away? That’s kind of what this is like. Smells are overpowering, heat and humidity make me queasy, and no food sounds appetizing (with the possible exception of macaroni and cheese, which has become a staple for me).

I took a PTO day from work today so I could get some rest. Going into work every day has been awful. I sit there at my desk, just trying to think about not feeling bad. The drive alone takes all my energy up. I’ve decided that if the new medicine doesn't work, for my health and sanity, I’m going to basically take a couple weeks off work. Maybe use a combo of PTO and VTO (voluntary time off, which means unpaid), maybe try to work from home when I can, maybe get on short-term disability. I don’t know. I haven’t been able to catch my manager to talk about it. I just know that on the days I am home, I feel better, throw up less, and am generally more relaxed. And I don’t think stress is good for Cupcake. I wonder if staying home for a couple weeks is the right thing to do. If I go unpaid, will it affect our budget later? When I have the baby, I would love love love to take the maximum maternity leave that Hallmark allows, which I understand to be six months. Of course, the majority of that time is unpaid. Andrew and I have some figuring out to do, if we can live for a few months on a single income. So if I go for a few weeks unpaid now, how would it affect us later?

I wish it were easier. I think about my sister, who had essentially no morning sickness with Austin. Yet, she wasn’t working during her pregnancy and had more flexibility anyway. I keep hearing that morning sickness equals a healthy pregnancy and blah blah blah. But there are plenty of healthy pregnancies—like Courtney’s—that have no morning sickness at all. And I know I probably sound all complainy and whiney, but you try being sick nonstop for weeks on end with no end in sight and see how you handle it. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, but I still have to hold on. But for how much longer?