The Hair Situation

Olive has been asking for a short haircut for several months now. Last year, in March I think, she wanted a big haircut (like Milo's). We cut her hair into a short but very feminine style. She was only three years old, and I wasn't sure she knew what she wanted. Sure enough, a few months later she wanted to be able to put it into pony tails, so we started growing it out. A couple months ago, she complained of her hair being in her face, so I tried giving her bangs to see if that made her wishes of a very short haircut to vanish. And it seemed to, for awhile. But in the last couple weeks she has mentioned repeatedly that she again wants very very short hair.

I've struggled with this. Will she really like it? Will she regret it? Will she be bothered when/if she is mistaken for a boy? But beyond all that, I struggled with whether I was okay with having a girl that looked like a boy. I consider myself really liberal about all this, and want her to be able to make her own decisions. And yet... I like the way she looks with longer hair. I like playing with it and brushing it (though she hates having it brushed). I wish it was long enough to put in a real ponytail or braids because it would be fun for me to style it.

But ultimately, I think hairstyles are something every kid needs to choose for him/herself. The best advice I got on this situation came from Emily. I fretted that she would be mistaken for a boy, and wondered if that would bother her. Emily said that maybe it would be a good thing, since I was always complaining about how differently people treated my boy and my girl, and that I wished people would quit calling Olive pretty and comment on her clothes or her dimples or whatever appearance-related thing.

Maybe people who don't know her will think she is a boy. Maybe they'll ask her about something meaningful instead of comment on her outfit. And maybe all that will add something positive to her life.

I'll miss her hair, but I think her excitement about her new style will get me excited too. She has a haircut scheduled with my stylist, Carly, tomorrow afternoon, and she couldn't be more thrilled. I found some pictures of various cuts for her to look at (a few adult actresses with pixie cuts, and a few 6-ish-year-old boys). She chose one of the boys' cuts. It's a bit of a social experiment, to see if her short haircut changes the way people treat her. We'll see.

A Good Day

Today is a good day. It's the middle of February, but the sun is shining and the temps are near 70. The windows are open for crissake. I took a long walk this morning. Olive and I listened and danced to Taylor Swift during lunch. "Mommy, wipe my hands and face so I can dance!" she said. All that dancing wore her out, because she's currently taking a nap (a somewhat rare occurrence these days). I'm still feeling good after long-overdue drinks (Long Island iced teas, no less) with Stephanie last night, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow's lunch plans with Lindsay. Milo will be home from school in about 30 minutes, and I want to give that sweet kid a big hug. We'll play outside in the sunshine. Then I'm thinking yoga this evening while Andrew takes the kids to Milo's tumbling class. Yes, a good day.

Private

After months of considering it (but taking no action), I finally decided to make this blog private. As of this writing, I have zero readers. If anyone notices it is private, they can request access. I'm planning to limit it to family and maybe a few close friends. Not that anyone else was reading it to begin with. But as my kids get older, I'm worried about sharing too much about them. I don't want their friends searching their names and reading about their struggles. I don't know if I want them to find this blog and read about themselves. Maybe in 10 years or so. I also have a lot on my mind that I want to get out, but I don't necessarily want the world to read it. I don't know if I want my family to read it to be honest, but I need the support, I think.

For having so little to do, my life feels awfully complex right now. I left Hallmark about a year and a half ago. While I think it was a good decision, and I'm glad to have gotten to know my kids so much better, I've been struggling lately with my situation. I'm getting bored. I'm often dissatisfied. I miss having tasks and deadlines and things to challenge me. I'm not a great housekeeper, so cleaning up and washing clothes does not give me any pleasure. I only feel stress about the clutter and dirty carpets. I try to play pretend games with Olive, but I can only act like her baby doll is sick for so long. There are things I want to do--paint a picture to put on the mantel, start a nature photography project, learn embroidery--but they all seem so insignificant, not to mention difficult to accomplish while spending my days with the kids. 

I know that something needs to change. My frustrations spill out on the kids, and it's not fair to them. The problem is that I don't know how to change things. I want to spend more time with my friends and go on more dates with Andrew. I want something meaningful to do. So much easier said than done.

UPDATED: J/K. The blog is public again. Because reasons.