Oh, Baby

I wrote this post on July 18, while it was all still fresh in my mind. But for obvious reasons, I wasn't ready to tell the world. So I waited. And now that I've announced it at work, the world can know, too. Just be forewarned: this entry may have a bit of a TMI factor. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Do you ever have one of those days where everything changes, and it’s like your entire life is redefined in an instant? Today was one of those days for me. I found out this morning that I’m pregnant.

I can hardly even believe it’s true. Andrew and I have wanted this for so long. We’ve had so many conversations about baby stuff. What we’ll be like as parents, who our baby will look like, how we’ll decorate a nursery, what names we like. The list goes on. And today we had more of those conversations, except this time, they have a due date.

The back story: I went off the pill in May 2008. That’s fifteen months ago—crazy long time. Month after month of counting days, having sex on command, waiting, and ultimately being disappointed. Time after time. I can’t tell you how hard it is to want a baby, to be trying to have a baby, and have people constantly ask you when you’re planning to have a baby. “Oh, sometime,” you say. “Not yet!” And everyone sort of chuckles. Because it’s easier to act that way than to explain. Or the people who do know that you’re trying say things that are meant to be helpful, like “At least you get to have lots of trying sex.” Sure, sometimes it’s fantastic, and passionate, and wonderful. But what they don’t know is that sometimes it isn’t fun at all. Sometimes you know you’re ovulating and you know you need to do it if you want this to happen, but you’ve both had crappy days and no one feels like taking their clothes off, much less getting caught in the throes of passion. But you try anyway. And it turns out to be for nothing.

But for some reason, it finally happened. I was convinced that it wasn’t going to happen for us, at least not in an easy, natural way. I thought we were destined for fertility treatments and who knows what. I don’t know what was different about this month. Maybe we were finally more relaxed about it, consigned to our fate. Maybe it was the fertility supplements Andrew wanted to try. Maybe it was because Andrew decided to give up coffee for awhile. But whatever we did, I’m so glad it worked.

For the last few days, even the last week or two, I’ve felt different. I don’t know how to explain it. I really thought I was pregnant. My achy boobs felt different than premenstrual achy boobs. I had body aches that were…different. There’s no way to describe it. My period was supposed to start Wednesday. Today, Saturday, July 18, 2009, seemed like a reasonable time to test. Today is day 35. I’ve had cycles as long as 40 days, so it still seemed a bit risky to get my hopes up too high.

But then. Five seconds of peeing on a stick. Three minutes of waiting. Two pink lines. Amazing.

Andrew came into the bathroom with me to see the results. I had covered up the stick with tissue, so we couldn’t see the results until we were ready. When we saw it, I didn’t know how to feel. Was I supposed to be shrieking or jumping up and down? It was a little early, and I had just woken up minutes before. We just hugged each other tighter than we’ve ever hugged, and kissed. I kept repeating, “I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it. We’re going to have a baby.”

I don’t really know how to feel, or how I do feel. I’m excited. I’m extremely happy. I’m completely awestruck. But I’m also a little overwhelmed. This is really going to happen. My life is changed forever. This afternoon Andrew and I went into a Babies R Us, just to wander and feel what it’s going to be like. After a few minutes of wandering around and checking out countless cribs, strollers, and pack-n-plays, I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted to leave. I couldn’t make any decisions about what we needed yet. And obviously we weren’t there to purchase anything or even think about purchasing anything. But it was so…real. I wanted to have a few more days of “is this really happening?” before jumping into that reality.

We’ve decided to tell our families and a few close friends pretty soon. After trying for over a year, we didn’t want to wait. When we first started trying, we thought we wouldn’t even tell our parents for two months, at least. Now I’m planning to tell my parents tomorrow, the second day I even know about it. Things don’t always go the way you planned, do they?

This baby will be born in March, late March, maybe. I wanted a baby to come in the fall. But at this point, I’m just thankful to be having a baby at all. Oh my god, I’m going to have a real-live baby in the spring. Is this real? When will it feel really real? Wow. Andrew and I are going to be parents; we’re starting our own family. This is the most amazing day.