Figuring it all out

My life is very different than it was a week ago. I'm about to wrap up my first week back at work, and I almost kinda sorta feel like I belong there. It's so weird, being gone so long then coming back. In some ways, I feel like I know what's going on and it all feels familiar. In other ways, I feel like a brand-new employee just starting a job. And I'm definitely still figuring out my new routine.

I haven't yet figured out how ungodly early I have to get up in order to get Milo where he needs to be and get to work by 8:00 or 8:30. And of course, it's a bonus if I get to eat breakfast, wash my hair, and spend a few minutes of quality time with my baby. I used to wake up fairly late in order to get to work at 9:00, but now that I'm pumping three times a day, I don't exactly have extra time built into my schedule. Sigh. As you probably well know, I have never been much of a morning person. However, in my opinion, it is much easier to wake up early after not sleeping through the night for months at a time. It's all about building up stamina, I suppose.

(Speaking of sleeping through the night, Milo is doing that now. Pretty consistently, too. For most of the last week or week and a half, he has been in bed by 7:30 or so and doesn't wake up until sometime between 5:30 and 6:30. It's spectacular.)

My coworkers decorated my cube for my return. There was a big "welcome back" banner, streamers, confetti, candy, and stick-on mustaches. It was awesome and made me feel very welcome. They even printed out a couple photos of Milo and posted them outside the cube. I appreciate those photos especially because I haven't gotten my act together enough to print out any photos of the boy yet. My workspace is definitely lacking without them.

Surprisingly, I don't really miss Milo during the day. Does that make me a terrible mother? I feel extremely guilty for not missing him. Maybe it's just because I anticipated that I would be so sad and emotional all day at work that the reality of it couldn't possibly meet my expectations? Or maybe I was ready to return to work and ready for a little break from the all day every day mothering thing? I don't know. I do love to see him at the end of the day. I love squeezing him tight and getting sloppy kisses on my shoulder. I love seeing him smile when he sees me come through the daycare door (and I hate how quickly he goes back to playing). But when I'm at work, I get busy and forget to miss him. I am considering deleting this entire paragraph because I am ashamed of myself, but for the sake of sharing my experience (and possibly making it easier for someone else going through this) I will leave it here.

There are a million thoughts swirling through my head about my first few days back at work, but I am feeling too scatterbrained to tell you about them. Just know that I'm happy to be at work and I am ever so aware of just how much I love Milo.