Worth it

Guess where Olive and I are? What, you don't want to guess? Okay then, I will tell you. We're in Indiana, PA, visiting my sister and her family!

Courtney is 32 weeks pregnant with identical twins and has recently been put on bed rest. My mom had decided to drive out here to help out with household stuff and Courtney's two kids. And I thought, I wish I could go visit and introduce Olive to her Aunt Courtney. Then I thought... why can't I go?

So I started thinking it through. Olive would need to go with me since I am her only food source at the moment. I'd need to reschedule the kids' doctors appointments. How would I get back, since Mom would be staying six or seven weeks? I'd miss Easter. And would Andrew be okay to take care of Milo solo for a week? And could I stand being away from Milo and Andrew for that long?

So. Andrew was fine with the whole thing and encouraged me to go. I rescheduled the doctors appointments. The Easter Bunny came early to our house. My amazing in-laws gave me points to use for a flight home. And even though I knew I'd miss my boys like crazy, I decided to go.

It's a 900-mile trip, and Olive did really great. She slept a lot, and only fussed for short periods of time. Of course we had to stop frequently for feeding her and changing her diaper, but it wasn't too bad.

Did I mention that my visit was a total surprise to Courtney? She knew Mom was coming, but we kept my participation a secret. So when we got here, my mom walked in, then I followed behind. I got an amazing greeting. Big hugs and even a few tears. She was so glad to see me and to meet Olive. If I hadn't made this trip, she wouldn't have gotten to meet Olive until the end of June, and that is just too long.

I do miss Milo like crazy. The first night I was gone, Andrew told me he forgot I wasn't there and after bath, he went to the top of the stairs and called "Mommy!" like he always does so I'll come up and read stories to him. Broke my heart a little. We've been hanging out on Google+, so I've gotten to see him and give him virtual kisses and high fives, but it's sure not the same as hugging that little guy and tucking him into bed.

It's good to be here, though. I am having fun with my niece and nephew, and it's great to see my sister and brother-in-law. And while I can't wait to meet my future nephews, I sure hope they hold off until well after I go back home.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning at 7:00am I will be at the hospital, ready to have a baby. After much discussion and deliberation, we decided to induce earlier than originally planned. And so tomorrow it is. I can't tell you how unreal it is, to have felt so incredible ready to have this baby for the last three or four weeks, but now that I actually know that it's happening tomorrow, I barely feel ready at all.

So many questions run through my mind. What is it going to be like, to be induced? Will it be much more uncomfortable from the start? Will I regret this decision? How long will labor take? Will I recognize my daughter the way I remember sort of recognizing Milo? What will she look like? Dark hair? Red hair? No hair? Will I love her right away, or will it take some time? How could my love for her possibly compare to my love for Milo? Is it even possible to love that much again?

It's less than 12 hours away, the beginning of the end of pregnancy. Probably my last pregnancy. I feel relief and sadness all at once. I had a sonogram this morning to check my fluid levels. Since we'd already decided to induce, it wasn't really necessary, but I'm so glad I kept the appointment. Even though she's too squished for me to see her face, I loved getting one last glimpse of her beating heart, her spine, and her cramped little body. I do feel connected in some way to this baby, and I hope that translates into love when I first hold her in my arms. I hear parents of two or more kids say that they, too, worried about loving the second child as much as they love the first, but that they just do. Can't explain it, you just do.

Tomorrow we'll become a family of four. Tomorrow Milo will meet his little sister. Tomorrow will be a day forever etched in my mind. And tomorrow, I just might start to believe that this is all really happening.

Sigh... and Random Thoughts

At the risk of sounding like a broken record (a reference sure to sail over Sissy's head, if/when she ever arrives), I still have not had the baby. Today is my due date. I'm going to start charging her late fees after this. Three weeks ago when my doctor told me I was three centimeters, I did not think for one second that I would still be pregnant at this point. And yet here I am.

Andrew and I went to a movie this afternoon while Grandma Susan watched Milo. We saw The Descendants, starring George Clooney. Good film, but made me cry a lot. I'm a crier in general, but pregnancy doesn't help matters. But it was nice to get out and go on a date. It reminded me of the days just before Milo was born, when Andrew and I thought, better get out and see movies while we still can.

Last night we actually watched the MU-kU game (I'm still a Tiger at heart; see how I lowercased the k?). To say that we are not sports fans is an understatement, but it was fun and our team won, so that's always good. Tonight I hear there is another sporting event on the television. Something called the Super Bowl. Maybe Sissy is just not into the sports, so she figured she'd wait until all this hullabaloo was over before making her appearance. Crossing my fingers that that is the case.

Milo has learned how to cross his fingers. To explain what it meant in simple terms, I said it meant good luck. So he's been crossing his fingers a lot lately and saying "guh lllluck." It's adorable, the way he works so hard to get the right finger crossed over the one next to it. Hearing him learn all these new phrases and things is so fun. Weird to think that this new baby won't be able to talk at all. She'll have everything to learn still. Good thing she'll have her big brother to explain it all.

Signing off, before I start crying for the second time today.

Getting close?

Today I am two days away from my due date. A certain someone who shares my DNA was born two days before his due date. So clearly today ought to be the day. But so far, no dice.

Things have been rough in the Langford household lately. Milo spent the better part of the week sick. Throwing up and feeling extra sleepy (except at night, obviously). Good for cuddles, not good for our stress levels. I've had a cold, and so has Andrew, but we have avoided the stomach bug, it seems. I've spent more than one evening in absolute misery, crying while every single part of my body ached. Convinced that I could not be pregnant another night.

Every night I'm up multiple times for bathroom trips and leg cramps. Oh my god, the leg cramps. After the months of nausea and vomiting, they're my least favorite part of pregnancy. "Get your sleep now," random people say. Shut it, I think. I'd much rather be awake nursing a baby several times a night than up peeing and whimpering in leg-cramp pain several times a night.

Today is my last day at work. That's for the best, as I am completely unable to focus for more than five minutes at a time. I cannot tell you how many times I've had the same conversation at work. It goes something like this:
Other person: You still here?
Me: Yep, still here.
Other person: When are you due?
Me: Sunday.
Other person: Oh wow, so soon!
Me: I know, any day now!

It's really happening, though. Hard as it is to believe, I will go into labor at some point and end up with a baby. A baby girl, my daughter. I will soon be a mommy of two, and my son will be a big brother—the oldest child rather than the only child. I'll see my husband turn into a father all over again, and I'll fall in love with him all over again.

Soon. Very soon.

39 Weeks, 4 Days

So. Over. It.

More of the Same

Still 3cm. Still 50 percent effaced. Heart rate down a bit to 120. Does that mean Sissy's making her appearance soon?

Confession

My due date isn't really February 6. It's February 5.

I know. Shocking.

At my first doctor's appointment, the nurse asked what my LMP was and when I told her, she turned that little paper circle chart to come up with a due date of 2/6/12. Which, mathematically speaking, is a pretty awesome due date. At my next appointment a few weeks later, I was told my due date was February 5. I said, wait, I thought it was the 6th. They explained that sometimes when they put the info in the computer, it spits out a slightly different date than the paper circle.

Oh. So that's fine and all, but I really preferred the 6th. I figured at the doctor and for anything official, my date would be 2/5, but in my mind and what I was going to tell people would be 2/6, just because I liked it more.

But ohhhhhh, my. Now that both dates are within spitting distance, I really really want to focus on the 5th. Because that is one day closer. One day sooner to The End.

Which is ridiculous. I know this. If stubborn baby doesn't come out on her own, I'm not going to be induced until February 16. WHAT? That is absolutely too far away. This morning I woke up with general pregnancy aches and pains, plus a headache and sore throat. Just generally feeling sick. I stayed home from work, and have since spent some time on the couch, watching TV and convincing myself that I cannot be pregnant for one more minute. I honestly don't know how I would make it to 2/16. Everything hurts.

Please send go-into-labor-NOW vibes my way. Whether you go with 2/6 or 2/5, I just want this baby out asap.

Hello again

How about a few little updates and ramblings?

• I'm 37 weeks and a few days pregnant. At my doctor's appointment this morning, I was 3 cm dilated and 50 percent effaced. If I were to check my archives, I'm pretty sure I'd find that this was how much I had progressed a couple days before going into labor the first time. Therefore, I'm convinced the baby is on her way. My doctor was quick to say I could stay this way for another few weeks, but I just don't think that will be the case. We'll see. I could just be doing some wishful thinking. Which brings me to my next point...
• I'm. So. Completely. Over. Being. Pregnant. I'm having trouble sleeping. It's either heartburn, plain ol' insomnia, or too much kicking from the baby. On a really good night, it's a combo of all three. I waddle when I walk, my feet are swollen, and the simplest tasks are becoming impossible. Drying off after a shower, for instance, or removing my own boots at the end of the day. Forget it.
• While I desperately want the baby out of my body, I'm having a ton of probably misplaced guilt over wrecking Milo's life. Why am I doing this to him, shaking his world and asking him to suddenly grow up and be a big boy? He should get to stay a baby as long as he needs to.
• The nursery is still not quite finished, though we're getting close. I hemmed the curtains this weekend, and they actually look really good. Nice straight seams and everything. I'm getting better at this sewing thing. Frames still need to be hung, closet still needs to be organized, and cloth diapers need to be re-washed and organized. And the crib still needs to be put together, but I'm delaying that as long as possible so Milo won't remember it as being his.
• Milo loves playing in Sissy's room. That may have something to do with the step ladder that's been in there the last couple weeks. He climbs up, he climbs down, he climbs up, he climbs down. Repeat.
• I wonder how much Milo is understanding about his impending status as big brother. We've been reading books on it and talking about it all the time, but you know. He's not even two yet.
• We've been working on our bedroom remodel, and it's sort of on hold. My father-in-law can't hang trim for another few weeks at the earliest, so the room is in this semi-done state that is driving me crazy. If anyone knows how to hang trim and wants to dedicate a weekend to our cause, let me know.

Belly Update

Here's me at 33 weeks, 2 days, wearing one of the few shirts that easily covers my entire belly. Can someone please explain to me why MATERNITY CLOTHES quit fitting at around 30 weeks?

Crazy!

Oh my, are these hormones making me crazy today! I have cried at no fewer than four blog posts, and I'm just a big pile of sap.

Plus, I desperately want to organize our pantry, but every evening I lack the energy to do much more than try to find a position on the couch where my back doesn't hurt. I guess my nesting instinct isn't quite strong enough yet for me to get motivated to actually do any pantry organizing. How many weeks along do you suppose I need to be for that? It better kick in soon, because my balance is already shot to hell, and organizing the pantry involves a lot of stooping and standing and reaching way into the back to grab (and discard) the years-old lentils that are still hanging around for some unknown reason. But the pantry must get organized soon. I have cookies to bake, and I need to know just how much brown sugar we have.

29 Weeks 3 Days Pregnant

Another belly shot. About three pounds of baby in there, and my back is starting to feel it.

First Glimpse of Sissy

We had a 3D sonogram last Saturday. My takeaway: Sissy's eyes and nose look like Milo, but her mouth belongs only to her. We had trouble getting really clear images because 1) she had her arm blocking her face for much of the session and 2) her face was pressed up against the wall of the uterus, making it difficult for the machine to do its thing. A few of the best pics below, with a couple of Milo for comparison.

All curled up.

 

Look at her big lips!

Looks like she has chubby cheeks already, at only two-ish pounds.

Remember a couple of years ago, when Milo flipped us off in utero? Sissy is following right in her brother's footsteps.

Ahh, yes, here it is: Milo giving us the finger, with a smirk and everything.

My sweet boy.

Mama called the doctor...

I had an OB check-up this morning. All is well with Sissy. She had the hiccups when I listened to her heartbeat. After the appointment, I scheduled my next nine appointments. In other words, I am now scheduled all the way to my due date. For some reason, this makes it all seem like it's happening very quickly. And I am not ready.

There are a million things on my to-do list and I don't know when I'm going to do any of them. I spend every weekend just trying to see Milo and do fun things with him and Andrew. There is no time to design a nursery or organize the onesies and burp cloths. We're only three and a half months away from actually having a baby and I'm pretty sure I need at least six months to get ready. Not good math.

The Belly Expansion Project

Please ignore the pile of toys etc. on the floor behind me.

22 Weeks, 3 Days

Crazy or Dedicated?

Yesterday I started back up with my weekly personal training sessions. I quit going when the "morning" sickness kicked my ass for the entire summer. But, you know, since I hadn't thrown up in a week, I thought it was high time to start exercising again.

When I got there, my (male) trainer said, "Looks like you've got a little belly there." Yes. Yes, I do. It tends to grow with pregnancy.

Working out was way harder than I expected. I'm not sure if it was extra tough because I haven't lifted any weight (other than the constant lifting of my nearly 30-pound toddler) in a few months or because I'm pregnant. Or both, probably. But it was not easy. I couldn't (and didn't want to) lift nearly as much weight as I was before. I got out of breath quickly. My lower back felt strained at times, causing me to pull back even more. My pesky round ligament pain held me back, too.

But I did it.

And even though this morning my lower back and round ligament are aching more than normal, I'll be back next week for more torture exercise.

The Gender Reveal Party

Yesterday we hosted a gender reveal party for our friends and family to share the news of Future Baby's sex. The party was a great success. Gorgeous weather meant our deck (and new patio furniture) were open for business. The food was a hit, the kids loved playing with Milo's toys, and our reveal moment had the perfect amount of suspense. My video hangout with long-distance friends and family even went smoothly. Overall, I'd say a good time was had by all.
To reveal the sex, we went old school with a science-project volcano. Except our volcano came out of a wine bottle. In addition to the baking soda, we added Koolaid mix in order to get the color (mixed ahead of time, of course, so as not to give away the surprise). Everyone gathered around, and I poured in the vinegar. It took a few seconds to react, then—an eruption of pink!
Everyone cheered. It was such an exciting perfect moment. We're having a girl! Amazing. And now that the party's over, it really is sinking in. It's gonna happen—Milo is going to have a baby sister and I'm going to have a daughter. Wow. Can't wait to meet you, Future Baby Girl!

The Post In Which the Gender Is Revealed!

It's a girl!

Another belly pic

Are you sick of these belly pics yet? Don't answer that. Here's me at 20 weeks. (Halfway! Woo!)

All Is Well

The ultrasound went very smoothly. Our baby is looking good. Arms, legs, fingers, major organs all present and accounted for. You'll have to wait until after our gender reveal party to hear whether this kiddo is a boy or a girl, though. Check back Saturday night for the big (blog) reveal!

Dear Future Baby

Dear Future Baby,

(Sorry about the weirdo nickname. That is the unfortunate plight of the second child—you can't just be "baby," for how would anyone know whether I was talking about you or about your big brother? Some people say he's hardly a baby anymore, but you'll never convince me of this.)

It is only a few short days until we find out more about you. We'll find out about how big you are, how fast your heart is beating, whether you are as healthy as can be, and perhaps the most widely anticipated news of all, whether you are a boy or a girl. It's strange, this feeling of just a short time left of wonder and mystery and dreaming. As of now, I can imagine you as a little girl, dressed in an adorable little sundress and matching shoes. And I can just as easily imagine you as my sweet little boy, wearing the silly sports-themed clothing that all boys seemed destined for. Both are wonderful and amazing possibilities. But in just a few days, only one of them will continue to be a possibility.

In a way, that makes me a little sad. Believe me, I cannot WAIT to find out more about you. Knowing who you are and imagining our life as a family of four will be amazing, and it will help me prepare to meet you. But also, my baby girl or baby boy will be gone, if that makes any sense at all. I wonder if I am the only one feeling this way. I know there is no real loss here, only gain. But since you are probably-very-likely-pretty-definitely our last baby, I am about to find out whether I will never have a baby girl to smooch on or whether I will never again have a tiny baby boy to cuddle.

Enough of that sad part though. It is YOU I want to meet! Will you look like Milo? Will you look like Daddy, with dark hair and hazel eyes? Or will it take months and months before we can even tell what color your hair actually is? Or maybe you'll come out with a full head of hair and put Milo's current amount of hair to shame. Will you remind Daddy and me every day of Milo, or will you wow us with how totally unlike him you are, even though you have practically the same DNA? I'm sorry for the inevitable comparisons to your brother. I promise you, there will be no comparing the way I feel about you, because how can you measure a love that is bigger than anything I ever dreamed my heart could feel?

You've been rolling and kicking and punching me for a week or so now. I'm sure that as the weeks go on, I'll start to notice a pattern to your movements—when you sleep and when you are awake, which foods I eat make you want to dance, how well you tolerate a little caffeine. Maybe by that time Daddy and I will have chosen a name for you so I can say, "Future Baby, please quit kicking me! I'm trying to sleep!" And then I'll remind myself that being kicked from inside is probably better than being smacked in the face by a toddler, because at least this way I don't have to figure out how to discipline you.

But I digress. Point is, we still have lots of time to get to know each other before we ever look one another in the eye. I'm truly so excited to meet you. You are already such a wonderful part of our family.

See you next week.
Love,
Mommy