Setting an Example

I went to the gym last night, and while I sweated and ran and sweated some more, the Miss Universe pageant came on one of the gym televisions. And as I watched the opening bit, I saw young woman after young woman cross the stage. And it all felt a little bit disgusting.

There I was, working my ass off to maintain my size 8, a size that I haven't seen on my jeans tags since high school, a size that I'm very proud of and hope to maintain. Meanwhile, on TV, there are the supposed most beautiful women in the world parading across a stage, and not a one of them was likely bigger than a size 4. If that.

They all looked nearly identical. Tall, very thin, long bouncy hair, bleached straight white teeth, skin completely free of acne or freckles, high cheekbones. If it weren't for their sashes (and to be fair, quite a number of skin tones) I would have a difficult time telling these women apart. Hardly any women can  attain this standard of beauty. Is this really what we all should be trying to look like?

As the mother of a daughter, I am seeing things like the Miss Universe pageant in a way that I never have before. These women, the way they look—this is the look that my daughter will see in TV, movies, magazines, and the look that will probably make her question whether she's pretty enough. How do I tell her she's beautiful the way she is? And what kind of example should I be setting? I was missing family dinner last night so I could exercise (for the record, normally I work out at other times, but I was wanting to go to a class—that ended up being canceled). I exercise for my health, yes, but like I said before, I want to maintain my current size. With pregnancy, I gained a lot of weight, and it's something I do not want to fight my entire life. I don't want to gain then lose, gain then lose, gain then lose. Now that I've lost weight, I really want to keep it off. But how do I continue to strive for this in my own life while also assuring Olive that she's perfect no matter what she looks like?

I'm not the first mother to raise a daughter. With TV shows like Honey-Boo-Boo (a show I've never seen, by the way) and all those pageant shows with little girls, it seems like it's getting harder to let little girls just be little girls for very long. I see seven-year-olds wearing heels, ten-year-olds wearing slinky tank tops and booty shorts. I don't know how to navigate these kind of parenting waters. But Olive is young, and we'll just have to figure it out together.

I do know that no matter what she looks like, or how she chooses to live her life, I'll love her forever, with my whole entire heart. Even if she wants to be Miss Universe.

A Major Accomplishment

My weight has now fallen below the weight listed on my driver's license. This has got to be the first time this has ever happened in the history of the world. And you know that when I listed that weight, I was at least ten pounds heavier than I claimed to be. Hot damn, I am a mere seven pounds away from my high school weight. High school! And let me tell you, my boobs are way bigger now than they were back then. I'm like a fine wine, continually getting better with age. Right?

Changes

When I was pregnant with Milo, I gained a lot of weight. I managed to lose all the baby weight, but I held on to about 10 extra pounds that had slowly crept on over the last few years. When I got pregnant with Olive, I didn't want to gain as much weight as with my first pregnancy. But morning sickness and the dreariness of it all got to me, and I basically had a completely lackluster attitude about it.

I ate whatever I wanted and somehow that translated into weight gain. I was mad at myself for letting it happen, but I made no effort to remedy the situation. I think I had already given up on ever being thin or even average. I was 30, I hardly exercised, and I never have had an athletic or naturally thin body type. I figured that baby weight was mine for good.

And then I had Olive, and a few weeks after her birth, I was feeling like a huge fat cow. I hated looking at myself. I had no one to blame but myself and it was depressing. On top of carrying around an extra 70 pounds, I had a ton of ugly stretch marks around my middle. Everything was saggy and gross. And moms, you know how it is, feeling bad about your post-baby body and being so hormonal and tired that everything is magnified a thousand times. It was not a good time.

A friend of mine had done Weight Watchers in the past and was planning to join again after her baby was born. On somewhat of a whim, I signed up. Didn't really think about it, just decided something had to be done about this weight. I wasn't ready to give up yet. I started tracking my food and making small changes. Less bread. Less cheese. Fewer random snacks. Smaller portions.

And the weight started to come off. Five months later, I am down 65 pounds from where I was the day before Olive was born. That's two Milos. I figure I have about five pounds to go before I'll start maintenance, though I have no idea how to do that. I'm very good at gaining weight, and pretty good at losing it, but never staying the same. So we'll see how that goes.

But it wasn't just Weight Watchers that has changed me. For some crazy reason, a few months ago I decided it would be a good idea to start running. And before I'd ever even tied up my laces, I signed up for a 5K. When I signed up, the race was in 12 weeks, giving me plenty of time to train with the nine-week Couch to 5K program.

I'm now about to start Week 8 of the program, and the difference in my body is incredible. My arms and legs are more toned than they've ever been. Ever. My face and neck look visibly thinner to me. Pants that have been too tight for years are suddenly baggy. My wedding ring slips and slides around my finger. I'm wearing skinny jeans and enjoying them, for crissakes. Even though my tummy still has the almost-faded stretchmarks and extra roundness that are the telltale signs of having recently had a baby, I feel better about my body than I have since I got married.

It's not just outside changes that I am noticing, either. I can run 25 minutes without walking. I'm sure my heart is getting healthier. I can walk up more flights of stairs before feeling winded. Never in my life have I exercised as much as I am right now. And it feels pretty incredible.

Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving in the evenings to go work out. I miss the kids' bedtime, and there are few things I love more than reading stories and cuddling with Milo. But I'm so glad that he gets to see me put on my workout clothes and head out the door. He is learning that exercise is important. I want to set a good example for him and pave the way for his and Olive's lifelong health.

To sum up, I'm proud of myself. If I can make these kinds of changes, anyone can. Because I really like eating and watching television. My 5K is in exactly one month. And I am going to finish it.

Wrapping Up: My 2011 Resolutions

I wrote a post about a couple of New Year's resolutions I was (reluctantly) making almost exactly one year ago. And now that 2011 is over, I thought I'd follow up on those resolutions and let you know how it all turned out.

I hate New Year's resolutions. But this year, I actually have a couple of them. And in order to help keep me accountable, I will share them here with you.

1. In typical New-Year's-resolution fashion, I want to lose weight. (More weight, that is, on top of the 40 pounds I've already lost since Milo was born.) Twelve pounds, to be exact. This will get me back to my college/living-in-New-York/wedding weight. And I will be satisfied with this weight.
2. I want to decorate our bedroom. I absolutely hate it right now, and I have lots of ideas to decorate it. Unfortunately, these decorating plans of mine all cost money. But this is the year I no longer want to just live with the room I hate. I want to make it a place I love to be, rather than just a place I sleep in. I'm thinking navy, light gray, butter yellow, and crisp white...

Well. Let's start with #1, shall we? If memory serves me correctly, I lost maybe five more pounds after that, then sort of plateaued for three or four months. Then I went and got myself pregnant. And in typical pregnant fashion, I then proceeded to gain 40 pounds (and counting). Maybe this weight loss goal will have to go back on the 2012 resolution list.


As for #2, I began to make some headway on this goal throughout the year by buying things like a new duvet, new side tables, accessories, switching out our dresser for Milo's old one, and generally filling up the room with things that would be used someday. Then the room finally, finally got painted about two weeks before Christmas. And that's where we're at. An almost completely painted room (still a couple of places that got patched that need to be painted) that needs the new trim hung, puttied, caulked, and touched up with paint. Then we'll be in business. I'm hoping by summer this room will be complete. But as for a 2011 resolution? FAIL. I blame it on that whole pregnancy sick-for-two-trimesters thing. Definitely not just laziness.

A few thoughts

• Milo’s birthday party is on Sunday, and I still have SO MUCH to do to get ready. Crossing my fingers that it will all come together in the end…
• I’m down another few pounds (!!!) and it seems my weight-loss plateau has finally come to an end. I’m now twelve pounds below my starting pregnancy weight and only five pounds from my goal.
• Milo has been sick again, and we’re all dragging in the Langford household. For whatever reason (teething, difficulty breathing, generally not-feeling-well), Milo has been waking up every day for the last week or so at 5am. Or earlier, if we’re lucky. And I am TIRED.
• I am no longer pumping at work. So nice not to be doing that anymore. And Milo is doing just fine (other than the aforementioned issues, that is).
• This morning Milo was in the bathroom with me while I, um, used the facilities. He opened the cabinet, pulled out a large box of pantyliners, and grabbed them by the fistful, surrounding himself with little piles of feminine hygiene items. Time for more babyproofing!
  
• As you know, today is St. Patrick’s Day and I would like a shamrock shake. Can someone please make that happen for me?

Worst Baby Book Ever

I miss posting on this blog. I really would like to share more with all my loyal readers. (Hi, Readers! Sorry about the lack of content! I hope you still like me!!!!1exclam!!1) But I have been uninspired lately. I'm super busy at work, it's been very wintry outside, the chores never end, and... I don't really have any good reasons. (Unless you count how Andrew began P90X a few weeks ago and has been using my computer to view his workout nearly every evening, making blogging much more difficult.) And I know I'm doing that thing I used to do in college, where I just sort of shut down when the list of things to do (or in this case, write about) got so long and overwhelming that it seemed impossible to catch up on. So I put it off until the last minute. In college, the last minute was the due date or final. In blogging, I don't have that safety net. I can ignore this thing eternally.

But I don't want to do that. I want this blog to serve as Milo's baby book and my back-up memory. I want it to be my phone calls with long-distance family and friends, and my hi-how-are-you notes to the people I care about. So I promise to keep trying, keep writing, and keep sharing photos of my adorable baby. Because I know that's all you're here for, anyway.

Tonight I give you a few short updates/random thoughts.

• I've been in a decorating mood lately. I'm working on our office, the master bedroom, the dining room, and the future playroom (but only sort of half-assed on the playroom). The office is looking fantastic, and I have so many ideas for our bedroom I'm bursting.
• I have successfully given away a bunch of weights using the website ReUseItKC.com (or something; it was a yahoo group) and I would like to get rid of more stuff. Which reminds me: Jeff, if you would still like that rustic-looking wooden thing with the mirror and the coat hooks, it's all yours. You can pick it up whenever you like. Thanks.
• Milo shakes his head "no" ALL THE TIME. I am not convinced he fully understands what "no" means, but he does use the head shake to turn down food, refuse a nose-wipe, request a different game, and indicate that he is done with dinner.
• I would like a bed from Ikea. The Edland four-poster bed. If anyone would like to get one for me and bring it to me, I would like that very much.
• I stripped our cloth diapers today with a little Dawn dish soap, some nearly boiling water, and a whole bunch of rinses. Cross your fingers that they quit leaking. And to all the ladies at daycare, please quit using Desitin with our cloth diapers!
• The voice-recognition product I spent months working on a year and a half ago has made it to Hallmark stores, and it's selling really well. I'm quite proud of it, actually, so please go check out the new Interactive Storybook & Story Buddy from Hallmark. Cooper the Bear and Watson the Raccoon are both available, and they're both really fun and cute.
• Milo's first birthday is just around the corner, and I am going with a robot theme. I wanted to make a robot cake, but since I'm no pastry chef, I thought it best to practice. Well. This weekend I attempted my first cake, and, well, Robot Cake = FAIL. I am now considering a hopefully much simpler Rice Krispie treat robot. That doesn't sound too hard, does it? Of course, I didn't think the cake would be that hard, either...
• We ordered two convertible car seats this weekend. Milo is just way too big to keep carrying around in that infant seat. Technically, he can go in it until he's 30 pounds, but a) he's heavy enough in that seat at 20 pounds, and b) he's very close to maxing out the height. So time for a new seat. The seat that sounded great online is not available in any local stores, so I ordered it sight unseen. Hope we like it.
• My weight loss is not going well, as of late. I keep eating like crap, and the scale is reflecting it. It sucks and makes me mad at myself.
• I have a confession to make: We pay people to clean our house. There, I said it. I've been feeling inadequate because I hardly ever clean anything, and lazy because I don't want to spend my short amount of free time cleaning, and awful because good moms probably vacuum occasionally or something. I didn't want to admit that we can't even keep our own house clean so I have hardly told anyone that we got a housecleaning service. But the silence ends now. And for the record, I totally recommend paying someone to clean your home. It's much nicer than cleaning it yourself.
• My husband has spectacular legs. When he does his P90X ab workout, his shorts slide up when he does reverse crunches and such, and let me tell you, those are some nice legs he's showing off.

Come on, guys. Is putting a napkin on my head really necessary?

Okay, I admit it, that was kind of fun. Again?

I hate making resolutions.

But this year, I actually have a couple of them. And in order to help keep me accountable, I will share them here with you.

1. In typical New-Year's-resolution fashion, I want to lose weight. (More weight, that is, on top of the 40 pounds I've already lost since Milo was born.) Twelve pounds, to be exact. This will get me back to my college/living-in-New-York/wedding weight. And I will be satisfied with this weight.
2. I want to decorate our bedroom. I absolutely hate it right now, and I have lots of ideas to decorate it. Unfortunately, these decorating plans of mine all cost money. But this is the year I no longer want to just live with the room I hate. I want to make it a place I love to be, rather than just a place I sleep in. I'm thinking navy, light gray, butter yellow, and crisp white...

The Weight Is Over (see what I did there?)

I'm officially back to my pre-pregnancy weight. It only took seven and a half months to get there, but here I am. And yet, though it is so expected, I'm still surprised by how different my body is.

My belly is distinctly rounder and squishier than it used to be. No amount of sucking in really makes it go away. My boobs are way bigger than they were pre-baby, thankyouverymuch, breastfeeding. But because of the exercise (thank you, personal training), my buns and thighs and arms are more toned than they ever have been. I'm no Jillian Michaels, but it's a start.

Of course, I'm not yet at the finish line, weight loss-wise. I gained a lot of weight when we were trying to conceive, because I was frustrated and upset, and I'm an emotionally eater. So I still have about 15 pounds to go before I get to where I'd like to be. Shouldn't be too hard, right? It's not like we're heading into that time of year when there are cookies and pies and pastries at Every. Single. Turn.

Oh. Wait. Damn . . .

All things considered...

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up in a couple weeks. I'm feeling a little anxious about it, in a purely superficial way. I have become sort of obsessed with making sure I look good that night. Not "good for having just had a baby." Just good, period. (UGH, pet peeve. I HATEHATEHATE it when people tell me I look good considering I just had a baby. That's like telling me I don't look quite as good as I used to, but hey, "A" for effort!!) I know it shouldn't matter that much. And to stress over it? It's illogical, really. But there it is.

I'm generally a fairly confident person, but there is something about socializing with a bunch of people I went to high school with that brings out all the old insecurities. It makes me nervous just thinking about it, and when I get nervous, I say stupid things and my face gets all red. Then I start sweating and end up with gross rings under my armpits. And that makes me self-conscious and sweat even more. It's a vicious cycle, really. And I am no doubt embarrassing myself further by writing about it. Several people I went to high school with read this—and who knows how many might read it on facebook? (Perhaps writing about it will make it go away? Like carrying an umbrella so it won't rain.)

I went to the mall this afternoon to buy something that would make me look hot. It was a complete failure. Nothing fit. Loose, flowy tops clung to my round, post-Milo belly. Fitted tops didn't look good with my breastfeeding giganto boobs. And forget jeans. Maybe my expectations were too high. I wanted to find something that would make my body look like it did when I was 18—and that is completely unrealistic. I have been losing weight—only 13 pounds to go to reach my pre-pregnancy weight—but seeing myself in those unforgiving dressing-room mirrors today made me feel huge and gross. It's funny, too, because I've been working out a lot and actually think I'm getting to be in the best shape of my life—just with a few extra pounds hanging on.

I need to snap out of it. Surely I won't be the only one at the reunion who looks different than she did at graduation. And surely I won't be the only one trying to look fantastic. I'll find something fab to wear, and I'll look good in it. Especially considering I DID just have a baby....

I also took some names

I have news for you, Internet. My old jeans fit! Can you believe that?! Something that fit* BEFORE getting pregnant now fits** AFTER being pregnant! And they barely even give me a muffin top!***

*quite loose

**sort of snug

***I don't care, they zip up! And I'm just SURE they'll loosen up after a couple wearings. They're still tight from the dryer! Am I right, ladies? You know how it is.

What have I done?

I am not pregnant anymore, yet somehow the vast majority of my pregnancy weight gain has not yet gone away. Thanks for nothing, breastfeeding! What, like it is supposed to take TIME for the weight to come off? Pfffffttt! I want those 40 remaining pounds gone ASAP. Yes, 40. A good twenty of those came from all those baby-needs-ice-cream-okay-technically-frozen-custard trips to Sheridan's. The other half slowly crept on over the six months prior to conceiving because of all those I'm-sad-I'm-not-pregnant-yet trips to Sheridan's.

Mmmm, I like frozen custard...

But that is not the point.

The point is, I have a lot of weight to lose, and frozen custard isn't helping the situation. Drastic action is needed, and I may have just done something crazy. On impulse, a complete whim (which I thought about for three or four days before reaching any conclusions), I decided to resume personal training. Unlike before, however, when I just saw my trainer once every six weeks and the rest was up to me, I shall now be seeing my trainer twice a week. And did I mention that I will also be taking a yoga class once a week? I know! I think it's crazy, too! But I have Milo now, and he makes it hard to find time to really exercise and easy to make excuses. I needed to schedule my workouts to make them happen. Now I've got three of them on the calendar each week.

And that terrifies me. I haven't worked out in several months. Oh, sure, I had every intention of working out throughout the entire pregnancy. But then morning sickness happened. Then being hugely uncomfortable happened. Somehow exercising just didn't happen. In some ways I'm SO ready for this, but in other ways, I'd like to please continue to sit on the couch. Failing is my biggest fear, and I avoid it by not trying. My first instinct is to not really try to lose the weight, because then I can't fail at it. But my desire to wear my prepregnancy clothes and fit into a single-digit pants size motivate me.

It's not going to be easy. But I desperately want to feel good about my body and that means dropping those 40 pounds. Now, would someone please remind me of that tomorrow when every muscle in my body hurts? My first training session is in just a few hours...

Wish me luck!